


Nothing Left to Lose

by GeekLover



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode: s04e09 Lancelot du Lac, First Kiss, First Time, M/M, Magic Revealed, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-15 04:27:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12313719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeekLover/pseuds/GeekLover
Summary: With Lancelot's life at stake, Merlin needs to think fast and figure out a way to talk sense into Arthur. He never expected his secret to come out like this, but he had to do what needed to be done. Hopefully, his faith in Arthur isn't misplaced.





	Nothing Left to Lose

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the mods for running this great fest - and for being so patient with me!
> 
> Warning: Talk of infidelity
> 
> This is a canon AU where Lancelot didn't return as a shade and Gwen was not under an enchantment when they kissed.

Merlin waited until Agravaine slithered out of the room. Before his odious stench had evaporated and before the door shut all the way, Merlin quickly turned to Arthur. He was about to say something when he stopped short with one look at Arthur. 

Arthur was vacantly staring down at two rings. His mouth was downturned slightly and his head was hung low. He seemed so tired like he could barely hold himself up. It was rare to see Arthur that vulnerable. 

In a situation like this, Merlin would usually try to give Arthur some space, but unfortunately, there was too much at stake to hold his tongue. So with a heavy heart and speaking as softly as he could, Merlin tried to get Arthur’s attention.

“Arthur, you’re not really going to go through with this, are you?”

Arthur blinked, but he didn’t acknowledge Merlin.

Trying again, Merlin cleared his throat. “Arthur?”

“What?” Arthur didn’t turn to face him but Merlin could see some life back behind his eyes.

“You can’t kill Lancelot!”

Slowly, Arthur turned to glare at him. “Why not?”

Merlin’s mouth fell open and he dragged his hands through his hair. He stifled a groan. Clearly, Merlin’s words the previous night had no effect on Arthur. He couldn’t believe how casually Arthur had asked the question. There was no venom in Arthur’s voice but the look on his face was cold. 

Of course, Arthur was entitled to his anger - what Gwen and Lancelot did was terribly wrong. Not only had they kissed, but they kissed the night before Arthur and Gwen’s wedding. Despite how much he loved them both, Merlin knew they would have to face some consequences but to pay with their lives?

Thankfully, that option was off the table for Gwen. Despite how much Agravaine argued for it, bringing up that was the punishment for such a betrayal in Uther’s day, Arthur said he couldn’t bear the thought of killing Gwen. He had decided to banish her from Camelot instead. Agravaine was more successful in his arguments for Lancelot’s execution. 

It was happening in a few hours and Merlin was desperate to get Arthur to see reason. He had already tried broaching the subject with Arthur the previous night but Arthur was practically in a trance and barely acknowledged Merlin. Reluctantly, Merlin had left when Arthur asked. He had hoped that in the morning Arthur would see reason, but clearly, he needed a bigger push to get there.

“Because he’s your friend and he’s a good person.” Merlin realized almost immediately that his words would ring hollow considering what had transpired the previous night.

Arthur snorted. With the annoyed expression on his face, Arthur was more animated than he’d been in many hours. “My friend? Was he my friend when he was holding my betrothed so intimately the night before our wedding? I must be confused about the definition of that word.”

Merlin sighed. “I’m not saying what they did wasn’t wrong. It was desperately wrong. I swear to you, I’m not making excuses for what they did.”

Arthur turned to him fully. “You just don’t want to see them punished.”

Merlin shook his head. He took a few steps closer to Arthur. “That’s not what I’m saying, either. You’ve banished Gwen, why can’t you do the same for Lancelot? Why does he have to die?”

“Because he broke the law,” Arthur said matter-of-factly. 

Merlin stared into Arthur’s eyes. He could see that Arthur was having trouble making eye contact. Arthur’s expression was stoic but Merlin saw past that. He could see the hurt in Arthur’s gaze. Merlin shook his head slowly. “No. You don’t care about the law. That’s not what this is about. This is because he hurt you.”

Arthur’s fists clenched at his sides. “Merlin, you need to stop now. I know you’re just trying to be a good friend to Lancelot, but you need to remember who you’re talking to.”

Merlin took a step forward. “I know exactly who I’m talking to. I know you, Arthur. You’re angry and you’re lashing out. You’re listening to Agravaine and trying to do what you think your father would and you don’t have to. You have a chance to show Camelot that you are a fair and just king who can be compassionate. You can show them someone who has the capacity to forgive. I know you can do that because I know that’s who you are. You’re not like your father.”

“How dare you!” Arthur stalked towards him and jabbed a finger in Merlin’s face. “My father was a great man and I have nothing to be ashamed of following in his footsteps.”

Merlin hated seeing Arthur so bitter and twisted. He knew Arthur didn’t believe what he was saying but it was getting hard to figure out what to say to him to stop what Arthur had already set in motion. Merlin pressed his fingers to his eyes and groaned in frustration. “So, that’s it? Lancelot dies? Even though he didn’t murder anyone. He didn’t steal anything-”

“You’re wrong!” Arthur shouted. “He stole what was supposed to be the rest of my life with Gwen.” His voice shook but he continued on. “He was supposed to be my _friend_ and he betrayed me. For that, he needs to be made an example of. I need to show my people that I am not someone who can be made a fool of.”

“You need to make an example of a friend that betrayed you? Then why don’t you pick me?” Merlin blurted out.

Arthur’s eyes widened.

Merlin took a step back and, for a second, he panicked and wondered what he was doing. But, he realized maybe it was time for Arthur to know the truth. For years, Merlin had been petrified to tell Arthur the truth about his magic. At first - especially when Uther was alive - Merlin was afraid he would be executed. But, over the years, in his heart, Merlin knew Arthur would never allow that. He might banish Merlin, but he would never kill him.

Still, the thought of being apart from Arthur - not being able to protect him, not being able to fulfill their destiny - was too much for Merlin to bear. But, perhaps this was the only way to make Arthur see reason. He could see there were worse betrayals than what Lancelot did. He could direct his ire to Merlin instead.

It was a huge risk, but Merlin decided he needed to take it. Losing Lancelot cut him to the bone and he couldn’t let it happen again. And he couldn’t let Arthur do this to himself. No matter how angry he was at Lancelot if Arthur killed him Merlin was certain he would come to regret it. What destiny could they have if Arthur did something like that?

Arthur’s brow furrowed and he looked up at Merlin in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

“I’ve-I’ve lied to you, Arthur - for a long time,” Merlin whispered. 

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Arthur looked down with an exasperated expression. “I can’t do this, Merlin. I’m not playing games with you now.”

“I’m not playing games.” Merlin took a deep breath and stood up straighter. He cleared his throat. “I have magic. I’m a sorcerer.”

Arthur just stared at him with wide eyes. He let out a small laugh. “You’re joking. How can you say something so stupid? You don’t have-”

Before Arthur could say any more, Merlin thought of the first spell he could think of. He raised his hand. “ _Leohte_. A small blue ball of light appeared in his hand.

Arthur gasped and stumbled backward. “Wh-wh-what is that?”  
“It’s magic.” Merlin could feel tears well in his eyes. Arthur looked so frightened, though he didn’t know what else he expected. “I have magic and I use it for you. Only for you.”

Arthur seemed to be having trouble catching his breath. He circled around Merlin with his hand outstretched and headed to the door. When he got to it, he fumbled getting it open. He stuck his head out and bellowed, “Guards!”

“Arthur, please can I just explain?” Merlin took a few steps closer.

When Arthur whirled around and saw him, he unsheathed his sword and brandished it at Merlin. “Stay away!”

“Arthur, I know this is confusing-”

The guards rushed in. Arthur looked at them and then at Merlin. “Take him to the dungeons.”

Quickly, the men accosted Merlin and started to drag him from the room. As he got closer to Arthur, Merlin attempted one last time to reach his friend. “Arthur, please just wait, please.”

For a brief moment, their eyes met and Merlin saw such a grave mix of emotions playing out on Arthur’s face - anger, hurt, fear, and confusion. Arthur broke eye contact with him and lowered his sword. Briefly, Merlin thought Arthur might stop the guards. Instead, he turned his back on Merlin and the guards led Merlin away. The door shut quickly behind them.

~*~

The next few hours were some of the longest of Merlin’s life. He was in the dark in many ways. The cell only had some limited sunlight pouring in through a high, barred window. There was no way for him to know what was going on outside. Had he actually managed to save Lancelot? Or was he head and Merlin’s sacrifice for nothing.

While he was still sure that Arthur wouldn’t kill him that certainty wavered the longer Merlin was in his cell. Merlin couldn’t get the look on Arthur’s face out of his mind. He sat down on the cold floor and tried to think of anything else, but the image wouldn’t go away. 

It wasn’t the anger that got to him - having been witness to Arthur’s foul mood in the morning alone made that an experience he was all too familiar with. Seeing Arthur sad and lost never got any easier, but that also wasn’t something new. It was Arthur’s fear that crushed Merlin. He never wanted Arthur to look at him with such fear.

Merlin’s eyes were still closed when he heard the cell door opening. He scrambled to his feet. 

Arthur didn’t look at him as he walked in. He immediately turned to the guard who had opened the door. “Leave us. I don’t want _anyone_ near here until I come back upstairs. Is that understood?”

The guard nodded. He made a hasty retreat after that.

Arthur closed the door. He leaned against it for a moment.

Merlin braced himself - for what, he wasn’t sure. He was prepared for Arthur to tear into him verbally, perhaps even physically. Merlin knew he would deserve any harsh words Arthur had for him. 

“You’ll be happy to know that your friend is still alive,” Arthur said without turning to face him yet.

Merlin closed his eyes and let out a small sigh. He was incredibly relieved that Arthur had chosen to spare Lancelot. At least, something good came out of this day.

Arthur moved away from the door but he didn’t step out of the shadows. He kept a healthy distance between himself and Merlin. “I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive him - or Gwen. I certainly know I’ll never trust them again. But I don’t want to see either of them dead. Banishment seemed like the more suitable punishment. Lancelot is already gone.”

Merlin was sorry he didn’t get to say goodbye to his friend, but he was sure they’d see each other again.

“What they did was despicable,” Arthur continued, “but I’ve come to learn there are far worse acts of betrayal.” 

Merlin swallowed thickly. He didn’t know what to say. 

Finally, Arthur took a few more steps forward and Merlin could see his face. His face could have been carved from stone. Merlin could tell he was doing everything in his power to keep his emotions at bay. He still didn’t seem to be able to look Merlin in the eye, but his hard stare landed on Merlin’s face. “Explain,” he said softly.

For some reason that one word unsettled him. As soon as he had finally told Arthur the truth, he had wanted nothing more than to explain, but now that he was given the chance when he finally opened his mouth, nothing came out. He didn’t even know where to begin.

Arthur glowered at him and Merlin could tell his stoic mask was slipping and he was getting impatient.

After another minute of this, Merlin finally got his bearings and just decided to start at the beginning - literally. “I-I was born like this - with magic.”

Arthur held up his hand. “Stop. I don’t care. That’s not what I was asking.” He looked down at the floor and blew out a breath before he looked back up at Merlin. “I want to know how you could lie to me day in and day out. I want to know how you call me friend when it is clear you don’t trust me at all.”

“That’s not true!” Merlin insisted. He would have stepped closer, but after the way Arthur reacted the last time he got close to him, he thought it best not to. “You are the most important person in my life, Arthur. I trust you with my life.”

Arthur let out a bitter chuckle. “That’s another lie. If you trusted me with your life, you would have told me the truth sooner.”

“And you would have done what?” Merlin’s voice finally rose above a whisper. Despite his earlier fears, he took a few tentative steps forward. “You would have stopped your father from executing me? Would you have helped me leave Camelot? Would you have stood up to your father and told him that murdering innocent sorcerers is wrong?”

Arthur deflated and his anger slipped fully. He seemed even more lost than he had been the previous night. He sighed. “I don’t know what I would have done.”

“And that’s why I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t want to have to put you in that position.”

Arthur’s brow furrowed and he looked at Merlin with a bemused expression.

Looking into Arthur’s eyes, Merlin decided to lay it all out there. He needed Arthur to understand why he had to lie. “I told you before Arthur that I use my magic for you. It’s only for you. _Everything_ I do is for you. I’ve wanted you to know who I am for so long. Do you think it’s easy to hide such an important part of yourself from the person…?” Merlin's voice became choked with emotion and he had to swallow to continue. “From the person, you love most in the world?”

Arthur’s eyes widened and his mouth opened with a faint gasp.

“I had to keep my secret to make sure that I could be here to protect you and keep you safe. I told you the truth today - yes, to spare Lancelot’s life - but to protect you, too. You could never have lived with killing Lancelot.”

The anger and coldness returned to Arthur’s face. “And how am I supposed to live with what I have to do next?”

The blood drained from Merlin’s face. 

Arthur pointed outside. “Do you know what everyone would say if they knew that you had magic? They would insist I execute you.”

Merlin stood stock still only taking in shallow breaths. He kept repeating in his head that Arthur would never do that to him. He wouldn’t.

Arthur rubbed his eyes and hung his head. When he looked back up at him, Merlin could see tears welling in his eyes.

Merlin repeated it again. He wouldn’t.

“I-I can’t kill you, Merlin.”

Merlin let out a shuddering breath.

“But I can’t look upon your face every day knowing that I can’t trust you. You can’t stay here in Camelot. It’s not safe.”

While this was preferable to death, Merlin couldn’t believe Arthur was going to do this. He couldn’t do this. “Arthur, please.”

“You are to leave Camelot at first light and return on the pain of death.” Arthur’s voice trembled.

Merlin rushed toward him. “Arthur, please!”

Arthur just stared at him for a long moment. “How could you do this to me, Merlin?”

Merlin opened his mouth to speak, but Arthur cut him off.

“You said that everything you do is to protect me? How are you protecting me now? You have destroyed me, Merlin!” He grabbed at Merlin’s shoulders. After staring at Merlin in what seemed like a mix of rage and sorrow, Arthur let go and stumbled back. “Why did you have to tell me this?”

Merlin did a double take as he wiped at his tears. Arthur was clearly angry with him for lying and now he was suggesting what exactly? “You wanted me to keep lying to you?”

Arthur groaned and looked up at the ceiling. “Do you realize everything I’ve been through recently?” Arthur’s gaze returned to Merlin. “Of course you do. You’ve been by my side through all of it. My sister turned against me and I’ve lost here. My father-” Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose. “My father is dead. I’ve lost one of my best knights and friends and the woman I was going to marry. Now…” Tears started to fall. “Now...you. I can’t take one more loss, Merlin.”

“You don’t have to,” Merlin insisted. 

Arthur slowly backed away towards the door as he wiped at his tears. “It’s too late, Merlin. I have to do this.” He turned away and reached for the door handle.

“Arthur!” Merlin cried out. 

With a slight turn of his head, Arthur looked at Merlin out of the corner of his eye.

“From the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry.”

Arthur closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I am too, Merlin. More than you’ll ever know.” Quickly, Arthur opened the door and strode out of the room.

Merlin just stood in the middle of the room and wished like hell that he could use his magic to fix this somehow, but this was not something his magic could fix and Merlin soon crumpled to the floor.

~*~

It was truly sad. As Merlin finished packing and looked down at the one pack he had, he thought it was almost pathetic that his life in Camelot could be packed away in one pack. His life in Camelot should have amounted to more than that. It felt like he was leaving with nothing more than what he came to Camelot with. It sadly felt fitting.

Gaius was waiting for him. They had already said their goodbyes, but Gaius insisted on walking with Merlin outside. Arthur had at least been kind enough to provide Merlin with a horse for his departure. Merlin assumed Gaius had talked him into that. 

Slinging his back over his shoulders, Merlin prepared to leave. With a final sigh, he stepped one foot closer to the door when suddenly it opened and Arthur was standing before him wearing only his white tunic and tan trousers. His hair was a tousled mess. It looked like he’d just fallen out of bed and rushed over.

Merlin took a step back. “Sire, what are you doing here? Where’s Gaius?”

Arthur stared down at the floor. “I asked him to leave.”

“Why?” Was Arthur here to say goodbye? Merlin had been under the impression Arthur never wanted to see him again. 

Thinking about it some more, Merlin realized that was probably not why Arthur was there. “Oh. You’ve come to make sure I leave.” Merlin tried to pretend that didn’t bother him. “You don’t have to worry. I will leave like you want.”

“Shut up, Merlin.”

Merlin’s mouth clamped shut. His first instinct was to give Arthur one of his usual retorts, but he realized their relationship had moved beyond their usually easy banter and it was just one more thing that made him heartsick.

Arthur leaned against the door and just stared at Merlin which unnerved him. When Arthur finally opened his mouth to speak, Merlin realized he preferred the silence. “I hate you, Merlin.”

If someone carved out Merlin’s beating heart, he didn’t think it could possibly hurt worse than those words coming from Arthur. 

Moving away from the door, Arthur wrung his hands. “That’s not true. I _want_ to hate you, but I can’t seem to do it. All night, I kept thinking about that time recently when we lost you. I was beside myself with worry. I could barely eat or sleep and I just knew I needed to do whatever it took to find you. That was only for a few days, I can’t imagine what it will be like _never_ seeing you again. I don’t know if I can do it. And I hate that. I hate that you’ve made me so dependent on you.” As he continued to talk he walked closer and close to Merlin.

Merlin didn’t dare hope that he was really hearing any of this. He couldn’t dare dream that Arthur was changing his mind. 

“The thought of not seeing your stupidly smiling - and far too cheerful in the morning - face as I wake up makes me sick.” Arthur clutched at his stomach. “The thought of not having you pass me your silly notes at council meetings and make it so I don’t beat my head against the table to keep from dying of boredom.”

Merlin let out a light chuckle.

“I would miss that. Somehow I would miss you being the only one to call me a prat and tell me exactly what I need to hear even when I don’t want to hear it. I would-” Arthur’s voice cracked. “I would just miss you.”

They were now standing so close that Merlin could feel Arthur’s breath on his face and he could see the way Arthur’s blue eyes were awash in unshed tears.

“What are you saying, Arthur?”

“I want to hate you, but I can’t. And I can’t lose you, Merlin.” Arthur leaned his forehead against Merlin’s and Merlin felt like he couldn’t breathe. “I can’t lose you. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…”

Merlin merely thought he couldn’t breathe before, but when Arthur lightly pressed his lips against his, he was truly in trouble. He felt like all the air left his body immediately. 

Arthur pulled back a fraction and looked into Merlin’s eyes. There was something primal and dark in his eyes and it frightened and excited Merlin. He had no more time to think about that when Arthur pressed his mouth to Merlin’s again, this time far more forcefully.

He kissed Merlin with a ferocity Merlin had never felt before. After a few seconds, Merlin had to pull away to gasp for air, but Arthur wasn’t relenting. He kissed Merlin again, taking Merlin’s face in his hands and continuing to kiss the life out of him. 

Merlin wondered if you could possibly be kissed to death. He was beyond light-headed and thought if he didn’t get air soon, he might faint but at the same time he thought, what a way to go.

When Arthur finally pulled back, it was to lay sloppy kisses against Merlin’s bare neck. Somehow, Arthur had untied Merlin’s neckerchief unbeknownst to Merlin while they kissed. Merlin ripped the pack off his back and it thudded to the floor.

When Arthur’s hands traveled down and gripped the base of Merlin’s shirt, Merlin thought for sure this must truly be a dream. Things were escalating so quickly and it was more than Merlin had ever dared to hope for.

Arthur made quick work removing Merlin’s shirt and was surprisingly adept at getting Merlin’s trousers open. Merlin was not having as much luck. Finally, groaning in annoyance, Merlin stepped back and used magic to loosen Arthur’s trouser ties. Merlin smiled at his handiwork but his smile faltered when he looked up and Arthur was just staring at him.

For a second, Merlin was afraid that Arthur might have been turned off by his display of magic, but he couldn’t have been more wrong. Arthur caressed Merlin’s face and breathed out, “incredible.” Then he was kissing Merlin again. Open-mouthed kisses that had Merlin’s knees buckle. 

Merlin took the opportunity and got down on his knees to help Arthur out of his trousers and removing his own afterward. Before Merlin’s trousers hit the ground, Arthur moved on top of Merlin and plunged his tongue into Merlin’s mouth over and over again. Arthur swallowed Merlin’s moans.

This time when Arthur separated from Merlin, he used the opportunity to manhandle Merlin and turn him over until Merlin was lying facedown on the floor. Merlin could hear a wet sucking sound and then suddenly he felt Arthur’s fingers enter him. He cried out in pain. Arthur paused briefly before continuing to move his fingers in and out at a bruising pace. 

It was the most intense pain Merlin had experienced and he had to bite down on his lip to keep from screaming out. 

Despite that pain, Merlin was a bit disappointed when Arthur removed his fingers. Merlin looked at him and he almost swallowed his tongue when he saw Arthur stroking his cock before he laid down against Merlin’s back. Without warning, Arthur thrust into him. Not all the way, but it was enough for Merlin to amend his statement and realize this was the worst pain he’d ever experienced.

“ _Fuck!_!” He whimpered and clawed at the ground.

Arthur stilled. “Perhaps I should stop. I don’t know what’s come over me. I shouldn’t have-”

Merlin held up one finger. “Don’t stop, please. Just give me a minute.”

Arthur didn’t respond. When Merlin turned to gaze up at him, Arthur nodded.

Merlin took a few deep breaths and it took a minute for him to adjust to Arthur’s girth, but once he was slightly comfortable he nodded. “Okay, you can move. Just...slowly.”

Being more obedient than he had ever been, Arthur listened to Merlin. He moved so slowly and took his time going deeper. Once he was finally buried all the way, the pain started to lessen and Merlin just wanted more. “Harder, Arthur. I can take it.”

Merlin turned to peer at him again as Arthur hesitated. Merlin wrapped his arm around Arthur’s neck and brought him down. They shared a messy kiss that was mostly teeth and tongue. “I can take it.”

As they pulled away from each other, a slow grin spread on Arthur’s face. He did as Merlin asked and really started to pound into Merlin. With every thrust, Merlin grunted. It was a delicious agony that Merlin wanted to stretch out as long as he could but he could feel heat pool in his belly and his neglected cock was straining painfully.

He reached down and began to stroke himself. “Fuck, Arthur! I’m so close!”

“Do it, Merlin! Come for your king!” Arthur growled in Merlin’s ear.

That did it for Merlin and with one more stroke, he spilled into his hand and onto the floor. Arthur followed soon behind him. 

Arthur collapsed against his back and the two of them just lay there panting for a few minutes. Finally, Arthur slowly pulled out. It felt odd when Merlin could feel Arthur’s seed spilling out of him. It somehow felt even odder when Arthur got up and found a cloth and wiped Merlin down. Merlin wasn’t used to Arthur taking care of him like that.

After he was done cleaning Merlin up, Arthur knelt down by Merlin’s head. He offered his hand and Merlin took it with a happy sigh. Arthur helped Merlin stand. Merlin’s legs still felt shaky and he wobbled as Arthur walked him towards Merlin’s bed. 

Arthur lay Merlin down. Merlin’s senses were starting to come back to him and he wondered what would happen now? Would Arthur realize his mistake and leave? Arthur answered his internal question when he walked around to the other side of the bed and lay down, pressing himself directly against Merlin’s back and he put his arm around Merlin.

Merlin fell asleep soon after that.

~*~

When Merlin awoke the next morning, he smiled when he felt Arthur’s arms still firmly wrapped around him. His smile faded away when all of his doubts came flooding back. While last night had been the most intense and amazing experience of his life, Arthur had to realize it was a mistake. Arthur would leave as soon as he could. But when Merlin turned around in Arthur’s arms, he was surprised to see that Arthur was wide awake and looking at Merlin with a tender expression.

“You’re still here,” Merlin whispered.

“Did you want me to go?” Arthur’s brow furrowed and he seemed uncertain now.

“No!” Merlin cried. He gripped Arthur’s arm. 

Arthur smiled. “Good.”

“I just don’t know what happened between us last night.” 

Arthur pursed his lips. “I know you’ve lived a very sheltered life Merlin, but I can’t believe you’re that sheltered.

Merlin rolled his eyes. A part of him was very glad they seemed to be easing back into their banter. “I know what it’s called, prat. I just...I’m not sure why it happened.” He looked down and picked at his blanket. 

Arthur held his chin and forced Merlin to look at him. He gave him a reassuring look and nodded for him to continue.

Merlin swallowed. “I’m just wondering if you were with me last night and you couldn’t let me leave because of everything else that you’ve lost. Do you want me around just because I’m all that you have left?”

Arthur looked down. “I understand why you would think that, but that’s not it at all. I’ve experienced a lot of loss this year and sometimes I didn’t know if I could handle it. But I survived, mostly because of you. Yesterday, when I thought of you leaving I realized I couldn’t handle it. Not because you’re all that I have left but because…” Arthur took a deep breath. “You’re more than just my manservant or my friend. Merlin, you’re everything to me.”

Merlin bit his lip and he could feel happy tears start to well in his eyes.

“Once I knew that I knew I needed to be with you. And as soon as I touched you, I needed to be as close to you as I possibly could. It's taken me a long time to realize how I feel about you and now that I know, I won’t pretend that I don’t love you.”

Merlin smiled through his tears and then planted a big kiss on Arthur’s lips. “I love you…” He hated to bring the mood down, but Merlin still had a lot of worries. “There’s still so much we need to talk about.”

Arthur nodded. “I know.” He hooked his arm around Merlin and brought him down to his chest as he embraced him. “But not right now. Please. I’m just happy and I want to stay like that for as long as possible. Can we do that?”

Merlin nodded against Arthur’s chest. “Yes.” He kissed the spot above Arthur’s heart. “We can do that.”

Arthur sighed and tightened his grip.

Things would get messy once they had to leave that room, but Merlin felt reassured that as long as they faced everything together they would make it.


End file.
